A modern twist on a classic sketch.
ABBOTT: Hey Lou! How’d you like to go to a Dodger’s game? I got two free tickets.
COSTELLO: Where did you get the tickets?
ABBOTT: A friend gave ‘em to me. He was going to take his son, but then he changed his mind.
COSTELLO: What made him change his mind?
ABBOTT: The Dodgers were going to honor a group of nuns.
COSTELLO: What’s wrong with that?
ABBOTT: The nuns were gay men dressed as nuns.
COSTELLO: Jeez! Why would they do that?
ABBOTT: Oh, it was all in good fun.
COSTELLO: If it was all in good fun why didn’t he want his son to see it?
ABBOTT: Well, he’s a devout Catholic, and the drag queen nuns go around mocking the Catholics’ faith.
COSTELLO: Didn’t the Catholics complain?
ABBOTT: Sure, they complained. And the Dodgers cancelled the drag queens so as not to offend Catholics.
COSTELLO: Then, how come your friend’s not going to the game?
ABBOTT: Because the drag nuns and the gay community and a bunch of big corporations complained. So, the Dodgers reversed themselves and re-invited the anti-Catholic group.
COSTELLO: Is that why they’re called “Dodgers”?
ABBOTT: What are you? A wise guy? They’ve always been called the Dodgers. First, they were the Brooklyn Dodgers and now they’re the LA Dodgers.
COSTELLO: You mean they transitioned?
ABBOTT: You could call it that: first, they identified with Brooklyn, then they identified with L.A. In this country you can identify with whatever you want.
COSTELLO: I always identified with Clark Gable, but it never did me any good. (shrugs)
ABBOTT: Just be yourself, kid. That’s all that matters.
COSTELLO: But the drag sisters aren’t being themselves. They’re pretending to be nuns. That’s not nice. Maybe Catholics should boycott the game.
ABBOTT: Nah, the game is too important. It transcends our differences. It’s the great American pastime. It stands for all the things that make America great: courage, honesty, family, wholesomeness, keeping your word, being morally straight.
COSTELLO: But the Dodgers don’t stand for any of those things.
ABBOTT: Yeah, yeah; but you gotta learn to play ball.
COSTELLO: (exasperated) But they already know how to play ball!
ABBOTT: “Play ball” is just an idiom. It means you gotta learn to play the game. You gotta go along to get along. Don’t you know anything about baseball?
COSTELLO: I know Who’s on first.
ABBOTT: See what I mean? Don’t you know that Who’s no longer on the team?
COSTELLO: What happened to him?
ABBOTT: He got kicked off the team for misgendering.
COSTELLO: Who is Miss Gendering?
ABBOTT: That’s what I’m saying. Who is misgendering.
COSTELLO: How can he be a miss if he’s a mister?
ABBOTT: You don’t seem to understand. Misgendering is when you use the wrong pronoun. It’s a crime. You can go to jail for misgendering.
COSTELLO: But I don’t even know Miss Gendering!
ABBOTT: Do I have to explain everything to you? Who’s no longer on first base. He’s been replaced by Jackson. Jackson’s pronoun is “them.” So, you should say, “Them’s on first.” Understand?
COSTELLO: But I thought there’s only supposed to be one first baseman.
ABBOTT: Those are the old rules. The rules have changed.
COSTELLO: What if I don’t understand the new rules?
ABBOTT: Nobody understands them. But keep it to yourself or else them will cancel your contract.
COSTELLO: Sheesh! Where is them? I’m going to have my lawyers talk to them.
ABBOTT: I told you. Them’s on first.
This article originally appeared in the May 31, 2023 edition of Front Page.
Picture credit: Walmart.com
